So, no, my dog didn't eat my homework. And, no, I didn't forget to do my blog. And, no, I didn't pine away not knowing what to write about. I just...well...went manic yesterday.
I'm Bi-Polar II, so when I go manic, it means that I get a little speedy, I stay up real late (it's 1:32 am right now as I'm starting this blog- now it's 1:48 and I'm editing this blog), I talk fast, my mind races, I spend money on things impulsively (I paid $172 to Legalzoom to do my wills tonight at 7:00 pm), I forget to eat, I don't want to sleep, I get super focused.
I'm not the kind of Bi-Polar who jets off to France or who spends $1000 on a dress or disappears for days on end. No. I'm not the cool kind of manic. The kind you get hospitalized for. I mean, I COULD be hospitalized for the effects of the mania, if I don't manage them, but that's super unlikely. Worst thing that'll happen is that my sleep schedule gets COMPLETELY fucked up, I miss a deadline or three (rarely) and I out-talk all my friends.
Bi-Polar is a disorder that makes me eligible for Disability through Social Security. I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, it is true, when I go manic, I am NOT able to keep a schedule. So, if I had some 9 to 5, I'd be fucked. But I don't have a 9 to 5 and I can still manage my Bi-Polar with my meds and other tools at my disposal. So, I don't see why I should get Disability for being Bi-Polar. Not that there aren't others who should and need to, I just don't see how that applies to me.
My therapist (old therapist, Myrna, the one who left the state) said that I didn't want to apply for Disability because I refused to see myself as disabled. And I haven't given it much thought because, well, honestly, she's probably right. I mean, who WOULD want to think of themselves as disabled? Differently abled? However it's put, it's still an "other," a "them." And I'm so sick of all the ways in which I'm already an "other." Do I really need to add one MORE to the ever-lengthening list? Really?
I am on meds for Bi-Polar, but actually, not a therapeutic dose for the mania. I actually decided that I could handle my mania through self-awareness and through different meds that help me manage the EFFECTS of mania, rather than the CAUSE of mania. The med that I'm on for Bi-Polar is Lithium - but I'm only on 600 mg just to take the edge off the terrible anxiety that comes with being Bi-Polar. Other than that, the Lithium isn't doing shit to keep me from going manic. Or so I believe. Ergo: yesterday, I went manic.
And here's WHY I went manic. My new therapist, let's call her Sally, Sally gave me surprise validation when I confronted her yesterday for dealing with me in a cookie cutter fashion. I told her I was "mildly insulted" when she told me to use an exercise with my girlfriend and ASSUMED that in 30 YEARS of therapy I had never come across said exercise. As if SHE had some magic fucking bag of tricks that she was going to WOW me with. And you know what she said to me? She said, "You're right. I did assume that you didn't know that exercise. And I don't know how to work with someone who has been in therapy or 30 years. But now I'll learn." And that, my dear reader, that SURPRISE VALIDATION, completely unhinged whatever extra fucking dopamine there is in my brain and sent me reeling! That's my trigger: surprise validation.
And, to tell you the very fucking truthful truth of the matter: I love when I go manic. I love the surge of energy and the feelings of invulnerability and the amazing positive outlook on everything and I love feeling like I can do anything and that anything is possible. I love those feelings. And I realize that the chemicals in my brain are making me feel this high, and I don't care. It's a great fucking ride. And so I have to pay for it with a couple of days of terrible irritation and mild depression at some point in the coming week or months....so the fuck what? It's fucking worth it. <sigh> I love my mania. It is part of who I am and I embrace it.
Do I feel like doing some crazy shit when I'm manic? Hell yes. But, I don't. Not too crazy. I can still care for my kid. And pay my bills. Etc...etc... I function. Just on a whole different level.
So, that's why this blog post is late. I went manic and, honestly, I hope to stay here for a little while. It's good here. For me.
That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.